I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
