She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
