fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
