And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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