we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
