hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
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He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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