So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
