I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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