Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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