I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
