By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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