I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
