i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
