just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
