help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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