i need an iv and a liver transplant
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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