He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
