I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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