Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
