I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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