is your mom at the bar?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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