Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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