Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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