I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
