Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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