Three words: puerto rican gang bang
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We need a shit load of segways right now
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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