bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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