I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
