she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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