just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
