Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
