apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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