Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
