I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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