I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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