She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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