Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
