U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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