last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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