I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
