I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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