I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
