We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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