I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
