My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
