He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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