based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
