I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
