Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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