I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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