Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
