Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
