If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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