when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
