thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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