my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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