The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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