Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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