I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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